Yaakov put hides on
his arms, donned his brother’s clothing, and went into his father’s tent,
pretending to be Aysav. Within short order, Yitzchak became suspicious and
said, “The voice is the voice of Yaakov, but the hands are the hands of
Aysav.”
Rashi explains that
it wasn’t Yaakov’s voice per se that tipped Yitzchak off; rather it
was his choice of words. The person standing in front him was polite and
courteous, while Aysav was curt and gruff. This couldn’t be Aysav; it had to
be Yaakov.
This Rashi becomes
difficult to understand when we put it into context.
Rebbe Shimon Ben
Gamliel said, “No human being ever treated his parents with the respect with
which I treated my parents, but I found that Aysav treated his parents with
much greater respect that I did mine.” (Medrash Rabbah, Devarim, 1:15)
Rebbe Shimon Ben
Gamliel was referring to a particular incident. When HASHEM banished Adom
from Gan Eden, He made him a magnificent garment. Noach later brought it
onto the Tayvah, and Nimrod inherited it. Now it was Eysav’s prized
possession.
Eysav would only
wear his cloak on special occasions. One of these was when he would serve
his father. He would don this most precious garment and stand over his
father as a servant, showing respect and admiration.
Rebbe Shimon Ben
Gamliel said, “When I would serve my father, I would put on servant’s
clothing (as a sign of humility), whereas Aysav
would only wear his most beloved garments. I do not compare to
him regarding Kibud Av.”
The mefarshim
explain to us that while Aysav may have had many issues with HASHEM and
religion, he felt a tremendous sense of love and appreciation towards his
parents. He vividly remembered how his parents cared for him when he was a
child. He clearly recalled their kindness and love, and as such, he felt an
overwhelming need to pay back the good that they had done for him. It was
out of this sense of appreciation that he waited on his father.
If so, this Rashi
becomes very difficult to understand. If Aysav greatly respected his father,
and would only serve him in the most befitting manner, how is it possible
that that he would act in a manner that was rude and discourteous?
The answer to this
question is based on understanding human nature.
Habit rules
Most of our daily
actions happen by rote. For instance, if you ask me to help prepare a
Shabbos meal, my decision to help you is conscious, but after that, most of
what I do is by habit. I don’t go through a mental process of “I will now
pick up the knife, level it above the meat, firmly press down, and maintain
that pressure while moving the knife back and forth.” I take a knife and
cut the meat. I cut the meat the same way that I always
cut meat. I have been down that road many times before. I long
ago mastered and memorized those actions, so now I can go into autopilot and
go about my business in the way that I always do.
If we were forced to
consciously think about every activity that we do, we would be so overloaded
that we couldn’t function. For that reason, HASHEM gave us the ability to
conduct many of our activities on automatic pilot – to just do things the
same way that we have always done them, almost without thinking. The Gra
says, “Habit rules over everything we do.” While this is a
great boon for human productivity, it is also very dangerous if we have
picked up bad habits.
Courtesy is the grease for all human relations
When heavy machinery
operates without grease, it is painful to hear. Metal scraping against metal
causes friction and heat, which destroys the machinery. Even a little bit of
lubricating oil allows the moving parts to gently glide against each other
without the abrasion, allowing the machine to function smoothly and
efficiently
Courtesy in human
relations works the same way. The little polite expressions, like please,
thank you, and how are you, go a long way toward making life
more pleasant. They smooth human relations. Amazingly, a person can have all
the best intentions in the world, but if he doesn’t engage in these
civilities, he will find life very difficult.
A heart of gold
We all know someone
who has a heart of gold yet has a tough time getting along with people. It
isn’t that he isn’t kind and considerate – he is – but he lacks social
graces, and others find it difficult to live with such a person. Often
times, it is the little gestures and words that seem so commonplace and
trivial that make a huge difference in the way the world perceives a person.
Like the grease on an engine, these niceties allow him to navigate
relationships smoothly. Without them, there is friction and wear and tear.
Aysav truly respected his parents
The answer to the
question on Rashi seems to be that Aysav truly respected his parents, and he
dedicated himself to honoring them. Yet while doing those very acts, he was
rude and discourteous – that was who he was. His
nature was boorish, and that carried over into everything he
did. It was part of him and surfaced no matter what his intentions were.
This concept has
great relevance for all of our interactions with others.
We live in times
where rudeness abounds. From ignoring people on the street to being
downright rude to waiters, toll collectors, and meter maids, it seems that
civility has become a thing of the past. Whereas it was once expected that
refined people acted in a manner that was gracious and gentle, it is now
accepted to be rude, impolite, and offensive. And unfortunately, that which
happens in the world at large filters back into our own homes.
The only way to
change this is to consciously work on being more polite, to be guarded in
what I say. I need to retrain myself, so that before speaking, I ask, “How
does this sound to the other person? Will my words be perceived as sweet,
sensitive and caring?” While these questions should flow naturally from
being a compassionate and sensitive person, it often requires specific focus
to undo the effect that society has upon us. Ultimately, manners are the
mark of a mentch, and have a huge impact on our effectiveness as human
beings interacting with others.
For more
on this topic please listen to Shmuz
#48
-
Being a Nice guy
